... and not in a fun way, either. I've been working in the yard for the past few days but what I'm mostly doing is indulging in a little pyromania; I do so *love* building fires. lol The incidental result is that Mom's property is being slowly cleared of years of dead branches as I run around with a wheelbarrow, collecting wood for my fire. This should not have been backbreaking work but as out of shape as I am, it's been killing me... back, shoulders, arms, and even my calves. Must be that damn tromping through the woods. Whatever it is, by later afternoon I'm tired and whenever I get still for a few moments I have a wretched time trying to get moving again... I stiffen up and make pitiful noises when I stand. lol It sucks but it's fun ... I'll even admit to a bit of personal satisfaction.
That's the good stuff. Onward to the reason I suddenly felt compelled to write at almost midnight when I haven't posted anything in three days... The "Mark Thing". I miss him. I've done well this week with not obsessing on him and I'm sure the physical activity has helped but I *do* miss him and it's particularly difficult tonight for some reason. Maybe because it's the end of the first week without contact... Maybe it's because I'm hormonal (probably PMSing or something else annoying) and I'm horny as all hell? Maybe it's because it's been for FREAKING EVER since I had sex.
The sex is part of it, of course, but it's not all. I miss talking to him, playing with him, laughing with him. I miss us playing our music together and singing/dancing. I miss afternoon love. I miss being touched.. nonsexually, too. I miss the way we communicated when we weren't fightiing.
I know I'm getting better. Mike and I talk every day. The therapist says I'm doing well and my thought processes have improved - I am apparently coming to some important truths. Right now all I want to say to all of that is "blah blah", which is horrible.
In some ways, I'm tired. I'm tired of being the patient. I'm tired of having to think through every throught seven different ways to try to determine if it's a good thought or a bad one. Is it a healthy thought or a bipolar one? Fuck me running, can't I just be a normal person whose every thought/motive/action ISN'T psychoanalyzed? I am far from the only "slightly off" or eccentric person in the world. People do shit that other people don't approve of all the time. Clearly the suicide attempt doesn't fall under this category but that WAS because I wasn't taking the proper medication.
What if I wanted to go to therapy, take the proper medication, AND be with Mark ?
What would that mean?
Would that still count as pursuing my own death? Even if he were also on the road to recovery with therapy and proper medication?
Part of me feels that I wouldn't be so lonely if I thought things were ever going to be good with Mike. HE is good and we can be good to each other, but that isn't what I mean. We're just so fucking different that I want to scream - often. We don't understand each other and we don't approach things the same way. We aren't even remotely similiar in the way that we think and I'm fairly certain that we don't want the same things in life.
On the other hand, Mike and I do share a lot of the same values. We share the same faith in God... we share family values... We want a similiar lifestyle as far as where we live, what kind of house, in what part of the country, out of the city, etc. But what will we talk about and do IN that house in the country?
I'm struggling tonight but that's okay. I felt awesome pretty much all week and it's not part of the illness that I"m lonely... I'm not used to BEING alone. I've been married since I was 18 years old or in a relationship. Even though I'm technically still married and Mikey and I talk every day, my lifestyle is more like I"m single. I certainly sleep alone. Wait, not quite like I was single because if I WAS single, my ass would be dating and I'd at least be getting kissed on a regular basis. Damnit. Maybe even second base.
Learning to deal with the times of being unhappy is part of learning to be emotionally healthy for everyone, not just me... not just people with a mental disorder. I don't like it but no one likes being lonely and unhappy - it's all about what you do with it and I'm learning to self-soothe. Calm myself. Tell myself it's going to be okay and learning to believe it. Distract myself during the wost times until they pass because that gives me something to hold on to during the next time... they DO pass.
Right now, I'm writing because otherwise I'd be calling Mark. When I'm done here I'm going to go to sleep because otherwise, I'd be calling Mark. I'm tired so it shouldn't be too difficult to fall asleep and I may even download a new Audible book because listening to one almost always ties up my brain enough that I can sleep even on bad nights.
Hmm. Rambing. Now I wish I'd posted what time I started writing because the past several paragraphs have mostly been me trying to avoid how I feel inside. Shit hell. I'm almost positive I'm PMSing and things get so freaking bad for me during that time... like my hormones/brain chemistry aren't already fried enough. The sex drive going into OVERdrive is also a symptom for me.
*Note to self: Track your menstrual cycle better, you idiot.