Bipolar Christianity - Oxymoron?

A bipolar Christian tries to find her way.


Damn, I'm sore!
mercurial_one1

... and not in a fun way, either.  I've been working in the yard for the past few days but what I'm mostly doing is indulging in a little pyromania; I do so *love* building fires. lol  The incidental result is that Mom's property is being slowly cleared of years of dead branches as I run around with a wheelbarrow, collecting wood for my fire. This should not have been backbreaking work but as out of shape as I am, it's been killing me... back, shoulders, arms, and even my calves. Must be that damn tromping through the woods. Whatever it is, by later afternoon I'm tired and whenever I get still for a few moments I have a wretched time trying to get moving again... I stiffen up and make pitiful noises when I stand. lol It sucks but it's fun ... I'll even admit to a bit of personal satisfaction.

That's the good stuff. Onward to the reason I suddenly felt compelled to write at almost midnight when I haven't posted anything in three days... The "Mark Thing".  I miss him. I've done well this week with not obsessing on him and I'm sure the physical activity has helped but I *do* miss him and it's particularly difficult tonight for some reason. Maybe because it's the end of the first week without contact... Maybe it's because I'm hormonal (probably PMSing or something else annoying) and I'm horny as all hell? Maybe it's because it's been for FREAKING EVER since I had sex.

The sex is part of it, of course, but it's not all. I miss talking to him, playing with him, laughing with him. I miss us playing our music together and singing/dancing. I miss afternoon love. I miss being touched.. nonsexually, too. I miss the way we communicated when we weren't fightiing.

I know I'm getting better. Mike and I talk every day. The therapist says I'm doing well and my thought processes have improved - I am apparently coming to some important truths. Right now all I want to say to all of that is "blah blah", which is horrible. 

In some ways, I'm tired. I'm tired of being the patient. I'm tired of having to think through every throught seven different ways to try to determine if it's a good thought or a bad one. Is it a healthy thought or a bipolar one?  Fuck me running, can't I just be a normal person whose every thought/motive/action ISN'T psychoanalyzed?  I am far from the only "slightly off" or eccentric person in the world. People do shit that other people don't approve of all the time. Clearly the suicide attempt doesn't fall under this category but that WAS because I wasn't taking the proper medication.

What if I wanted to go to therapy, take the proper medication, AND be with Mark ?

What would that mean?

Would that still count as pursuing my own death? Even if he were also on the road to recovery with therapy and proper medication?

Part of me feels that I wouldn't be so lonely if I thought things were ever going to be good with Mike. HE is good and we can be good to each other, but that isn't what I mean.  We're just so fucking different that I want to scream  - often. We don't understand each other and we don't approach things the same way. We aren't even remotely similiar in the way that we think and I'm fairly certain that we don't want the same things in life.

On the other hand, Mike and I do share a lot of the same values. We share the same faith in God... we share family values... We want a similiar lifestyle as far as where we live, what kind of house, in what part of the country, out of the city, etc. But what will we talk about and do IN that house in the country?

I'm struggling tonight but that's okay. I felt awesome pretty much all week and it's not part of the illness that I"m lonely... I'm not used to BEING alone. I've been married since I was 18 years old or in a relationship. Even though I'm technically still married and Mikey and I talk every day, my lifestyle is more like I"m single. I certainly sleep alone. Wait, not quite like I was single because if I WAS single, my ass would be dating and I'd at least be getting kissed on a regular basis. Damnit. Maybe even second base.

Learning to deal with the times of being unhappy is part of learning to be emotionally healthy for everyone, not just me... not just people with a mental disorder.  I don't like it but no one likes being lonely and unhappy - it's all about what you do with it and I'm learning to self-soothe. Calm myself. Tell myself it's going to be okay and learning to believe it.  Distract myself during the wost times until they pass because that gives me something to hold on to during the next time... they DO pass.

Right now, I'm writing because otherwise I'd be calling Mark. When I'm done here I'm going to go to sleep because otherwise, I'd be calling Mark. I'm tired so it shouldn't be too difficult to fall asleep and I may even download a new Audible book because listening to one almost always ties up my brain enough that I can sleep even on bad nights.

Hmm.  Rambing. Now I wish I'd posted what time I started writing because the past several paragraphs have mostly been me trying to avoid how I feel inside. Shit hell. I'm almost positive I'm PMSing and things get so freaking bad for me during that time... like my hormones/brain chemistry aren't already fried enough. The sex drive going into OVERdrive is also a symptom for me.

*Note to self: Track your menstrual cycle better, you idiot.

 

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Art therapy
mercurial_one1

...Otherwise known as: A good excuse to have books, paper, pencils, watercolor tubes, and paintbrushes strewn all over your bed while you watch t.v. on your laptop.

I brought a ton of art supplies up to Mom's house with me when I came, even though I haven't touched any of it in ages, because I figured I'd be so bored I'd need *something* to do. For the first week I was a zombie... Then I reconnected with Mark. Then I got busted... so I'm now USING the art stuff. lol

In a pretty good mood today, all things considered. It's been several days since I've spoken with Mark - since the night he called the house at 10pm - and I'm surprisingly calm. I knew he'd eventually contact me and I was right - I got an email from him today:

Subject: I am truly sorry . . .

...for all of the pain and suffering I may have caused you.
Please accept my apology and try to remember the good times...
I will.
Be healthy, be safe and be happy.
 
Mark

It's sweet and it will most likely be the last time I ever hear from him. I'm tempted to go into the fact that I won't hear from him for the same reason he started this shit to begin with... he thought he'd found someone else... but whatever. I'm trying not to trigger *myself* with the very things he'd trigger me with. I feel like he knew he shouldn't contact me ... my mother *did* threaten physical harm,after all... but whatever. Just this morning I'd mentioned to her that I'd considered writing him a "Goodbye" letter for closure but that I knew I needed to do it in my blog because contacting him is simply not an option for me. About two hours later, he wrote ME. lol Whatever... life is fucked up sometimes and you just have to learn to roll with it.

So... my scribblings and paintings are making me happy today even though I'm not doing anything overly impressive.  Okay, most of it has been decidedly unimpressive and it's clear that it's use it or lose it where art is concerned ... for me, anyway. But I'm pretty happy with my little parrot head so I'll post that. I had to take a photo of it so it's pretty blurry... The first one is me doing almost nothing but contrast in Photoshop to get it visible... Played with the second one a little more and kinda like it.

 



Parrot

PSD_Parrot
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Third therapy session
mercurial_one1
At the therapist again, waiting for Jamie. Tried to pay my $20 co-pay before my session and the gift card I got for Christmas got declined. It was supposed to be $75 and the only time I've used it was at a drug store last week and it went through fine. I hate these things anyway and I was reluctant to use it in the first place - this is why.

Today's session is going to have to be all about the situation I've put myself in with M & M. Tomorrow I have permission to use the truck to go to Columbus... Dad said I could anyway. Mom didn't comment so I'm taking that as permission. Of course, the whole point of trying to get out of the house alone is to see Mark but after the password changing incident this morning, I don't know what I'm going to end up doing.

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The card was for $25 and I'd already spent just over $5. So I had like $19.50... fifty cents short. Good grief.  Mom wrote a check for the co-pay. Again I say - I hate those stupid gift cards because you never seem to know what's on them... or how much is left,even if you knew the original amount.
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Consequences - Freaking out
mercurial_one1
 When you do something stupid, you should expect that there will be consequences... There. That's my nod to logic and sanity for the morning.

Last night was exceedingly difficult for me. I was talking to Mark and we were discussing the things we were going to tell and ask our respective doctors today and anticipating some of their questions... Then sort of answering them together. This turned into a bulleted list of the reasons we feel explain why we "need to be together."

It was actually really good.. therapeutic... and even enlightening, if I can trust the veracity of both of our answers. As these things do, though, it eventually moved into some of our fears and doubts and then, inexorably it seemed, moved into a free-flowing account by me about what happened the night I took the pills.

He seemed stunned, hurt, wounded, sad, and contrite. He said he didn't deserve me, that he was sorry, that he wasn't a man if he could do those things to someone. We chatted in IM for a long time and then moved to the phone - he stayed awake talking to me until around 2am. It helped me. We went to bed.

When I woke up this morning,there was a "Good morning" email from him and that made me happy. He isn't very good at that sort of thing but it showed me he was thinking about me and i wrote back "awwwwww... how sweet!'. Then, because I woke up still very raw and emotional from last night, I went to check his Yahoo profile. That was a mistake.

He said he was going to delete it and I told him not to. We aren't together and I don't know if we're going to be so I don't have any "right" to ask him to get rid of his dating profile. He says he wants to be with me... only me... wants only me... and all that sweet sounding bullshit, but when it comes down to it, I know he's still going to date and he'd just put up another profile that I *didn't* know about. At least, I wouldn't find out about it right away... so what would be the point of deletion.

However, he'd sent me several pictures of women he's dated and talked to and they're on the site... I was also curious to see if anyone was currently contacting him. It didn't even OCCUR to me that he would have already been active this morning or that he would have emailed anyone since 2am last night, but as it turns out, he'd changed the password already.

He gave me a lot of bullshit excuses for why. 1) He doesn't have my passwords. 2) I supposedly check his email "all the time" and/or "every day." 3) He feels violated 4) Some other stupid, bullshit excuse.

Hmm. Number one is, to me, a stupid ass thing to compare because he DID have my psaswords - all of them - when we were together. He and I sat down and changed all of our passwords to the same thing at the same time... and we also exchanged RoboForm data. I found out that we was reading my email... all of it... and he'd also been on MDJunction reading all of my journals and posts there. That, by the way, was what triggered the "final" fight that ended our relationship with me in the hospital. I was upset and hurt by him and wrote a post talking about how confused my feelings were... Do I love him? Do I not? Did I ever? That sort of thing. The very next morning he pseudo-casually asks, "Do you ever write about me on there?" Bingo. Like it takes a brain surgeon to figure out you're reading my shit.

Number two is ridiculous and he knows it. Have I *ever* checked his email? Yes. However, I tell him when I've been on his profile and the fact is that I go weeks or months without looking at anything of his and the only time I start getting curious is pretty much when he's fucking around. Or he's fucking around all the time and I just don't catch him very often. That's probably more the case.

I suppose I have to do my little clarifier here: Mark says he has not so much as kissed another women in all the months we've been together.He's talked to "lots" of women... He's gone on dates with quite a few... but somehow this very attractive and sexually active (predatory) male has not managed to get one single woman to so much as kiss him. Wow. I must have really bad taste is what I'm thinking.

Three was that he feels violated that I looked at his profile and changed the following: His income - to the truth. His smoking habits - to the truth. His church going habits - to the truth. Really, that was more just boredom and screwing around and I told him within hours that I'd done it... his response was that it was probably best (That it be changed to the truth).

Okay, let's break down this down like I'm talking to a stranger:

Mark is someone I've dated for a year and during that entire time, he has asserted that he was not cheating - did not want to cheat - except when he was caught cheating. We are not living together at this point but he tells me nearly every day that he wants no one but me, he will delete his profile, he isn't interested in any of those women or in finding another woman. He wants me to finalize my divorce immediately so that when it's final in 30 days, he can marry me. He says he wants to delete his Yahoo profile. However, after a night of extreme emotional angst and much contrition on his part, he gets right up... goes to said profile... and changes it (not deletes it) because he feels violated that I was on it. He feels the need to protect the thing he says he does not want ... to the point that my feelings and what he said he understood last night become completely irrelevant. 
He does not want the woman he says he wants to marry to be able to access the site where he is trying to fuck other women.

This makes perfect sense if you are a certified maniac.

So, it's about 2pm now and I'm showered and dressed for my therapy appointment. I can not tell you how much I didn't want to go and I still don't, to some degree. Mostly it's that I don't want to leave the house today. Mostly that is because I feel desperate and uneasy when Mark and I are fighting and I have this driving need to contact him and talk or fight - whatever it takes - to get things "good" again.

Obviously, my therapy's direction is going to have to take a sharp turn today from what was supposed to be the topic. Jamie and I have a treatment plan and this is not on it but it is without a doubt the most important thing that I'm struggling with at the moment.

To Mark... or not to Mark. That is the fucking question.

Gift Cards & Therapy
mercurial_one1
At the therapist again, waiting for Jamie. Tried to pay my $20 co-pay before my session and the gift card I got for Christmas got declined. It was supposed to be $75 and the only time I've used it was at a drug store last week and it went through fine. I hate these things anyway and I was reluctant to use it in the first place - this is why. Today's session is going to have to be all about the situation I've put myself in with M & M.

Tomorrow I have permission to use the truck to go to Columbus... Dad said I could anyway. Mom didn't comment so I'm taking that as permission. Of course, the whole point of trying to get out of the house alone is to see Mark but after the password changing incident this morning, I don't know what I'm going to end up doing.

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The card was for $25 and I'd already spent just over $5. So I had like $19.50... fifty cents short. Good grief. Mom wrote a check for the co-pay. Again I say - I hate those stupid gift cards because you never seem to know what's on them... or how much is left,even if you knew the original amount.
 
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Head Shrinker
mercurial_one1

So, I'm back from getting my head shrunk but, oddly, it doesn't feel smaller. As a matter of fact, I'm feeling a bit manic and that's always a "big" feeling. I'm debating if I should just ride it out or take a zanax.
 
True to my word, I discussed Mike & Mark today... My relationship with both and where I am as of now. I told her how wonderful Mikey was. I told her that Mark was an asshole. I told her that I'm in love with Mark. I told her that I'm not in love with my husband. We discussed sex... my sex drive... compatibility (Or lack of it) in each relationship... and, wonder of wonders, I told her about my interest and history with BDSM.
 
I felt like I was talking to my grandmother and saying, "Do you know what BDSM is?" and then having to TELL her was quite humiliating. Sort of funny, sort of painful. lol I went through the whole thing about my interest being the psycho-sexual aspect more than just the kinky sex thing. I told her - you gotta love me for this - that I'm not only into it but I'm quite *good* at it. She took it all in stride - I love this woman.
 
The long and short of today's session was that she wants me to do some thinking about why I'm pursuing my own death. Say what? I mean, I'd have understood her point better if she was talking about the suicide attempt but she wasn't.
 
What she said, basically, is that me going back to Mark every time - regardless of what he does to me - is me pursuing my own destruction. I told her that I freely admit that I'd made the decision that it was worth the risk and that I'm more than happy to admit that that is nuts. She thinks i'ts more than that.
 
I definitely have some things to think about... Including whether or not I accept this hypothesis. She could be wrong but I'm willing to entertain the idea for a while and see what I think about it; I'm certainly not UNwilling to admit to being screwed up so I'll more than likely accept this as truth if it does turn out to be right.
 
Pursuing my own death.

 


Out of the blue sadism
mercurial_one1
Well, alrighty then. I must be ovulating or something because my sex drive has reawakened with something of a vengeance. In all fairness, it's been weeks since I've had sex and so a bit of naughty talk turning me on probably isn't all that surprising. However...

After having yet another stupid fight, I was in fits last night and all wrought up. I couldn't think, calm down or sleep and I was mildly horny so I thought... masturbation is a great way to get to sleep and even my damn therapist is currently recommending it as a great way to improve mood. Okay... Fine. And I commence.

To be perfectly frank, I don't always fantasize about a particular person ... or even a particular thing, except for in very vague forms from time to time. I don't know if that's typical for women but I understand that men usually imagine much more concrete and vivid images for their masturbatory fare. 

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7:29PM  Well, damn. I started posting that earlier this afternoon while I was waiting for Mark to do something and he came back before I got good and started... so the post fizzled out. I don't think I posted it at all so God knwos what the time stamp is going to show. 

In today's news:

  • Filed Dutch's nails
  • Cleaned Dutch's ears (this took a royal battle which I only semi-won)
  • Woke up at 11am... Or, I should say, Mom woke me up at 11am
  • There was an apology note in my email first thing... I appreciated this
  • Tortured Mark on the phone
  • Got an email from Mario... told him I've been naughty
  • Played "name that tune with Mike... Flirted
  • Ate dinner with Mom & Dad
  • Looked through a bunch of old pictures and found several of me that I've never even seen. Some of them are even remotely flattering. Also found a couple of Greg that I'd never seen.. I'm really glad to have them.
  • Need to email Laura in a minute to apologize for burning a hole in her couch. I am completely freaked out by this because it's not something I'm prone to doing, even though I've smoked for over 25 years.
  • Asked Dad if I can use the truck on Wednesday to go to Columbus. He said yes. Mom didn't say anything so I'm taking that to be tacit permission.
  • I think I'm manic today

The damn dogs
mercurial_one1
Home - finally.  Talked to Mikey and Dani on the phone, took a long, hot shower and now I'm all comfy on my bed, waiting for my computer to install a dozen updates.

I got in a fight with Mike over something so stupid... The dogs. Again. It's rarely really about the dogs but I doubt that he understands that. Today is Sunday - one of the few days he's had lately to relax or hae fun - and he's talking about running all over the place for the dogs. He thinks Brownie needs to go to the park, then he'll drive her home and take Lexi to the rest stop in the OTHER direction because she likes the smells there best. They're bored with the smells in the yard/neighborhood. Say what??

Then, he tells me that Brownie needs more discipline, like I said she did, and that he's working with her on leash. Great. Lexi needs alone time with someone so she'll play. Great. But, I say, what's wrong with taking them all three to the park for their exercise and then taking Lexi and Brownie out into that big-ass back yard to do the individual stuff??

Only some of this is actually about the dogs but our dogs *are* extremely ill-mannered at the moment. They haven't always been this bad but over the past 1-2 years, they've all gotten progressively worse and we've allowed it. They pee and poop on the floor/carpet. They rarely come when called unless they feel like it...and never on the first call. They do not mind Mike at all, regardless of what he says. They jump up without permission.  Shall I go on?

Part of this is my fault although I do tend to be a bit more strict than he is. I'm also a great believer in crates but he won't have any part of that.  I used to let Peanut and Lexi sleep on my bed and then when I got Brownie I tried a crate for a bit but gave up, so there were three dogs in my damn bed. (I was sleeping downstairs at the time)  Now, though, we have FOUR dogs and that is just not going to happen - I'm sorry.  

I want the following, and I don't think the list is unattainable or unreasonable:

  • No jumping onto the furniture without persmission
  • Wait for permission to jump on laps
  • Sleep in a crate, except for Peanut
  • Come when called - every time and without a bunch of hollering, arm waving, clapping, cajoling and threatening. Just come, damnit.
  • In crates when they're alone in the house or unattended for long periods of time. This time can be extended to "indefinitely" if they are reliably housebroken.
Like I said, I don't think that's an unreasonable list but it's going to take a lot of hard work and, above all, diligence on both of our parts. The alternative is not acceptable to me, though... I'm not willing to have my house trashed and stinking all the time. I'm not willing to live in urine and feces. I'm also not willing to give up my bed to four snorting, sniffing, scratching dogs. The very idea grosses me out. 
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No contact
mercurial_one1
This is fucking miserable.  As I stated in my last post, I haven't been talking to Mark much this week because I've been out of town off and on... To Mike's, then he didn't want me to talk to him, then Laura's, and now he doesn't want me to talk to him. 

I've deleted most, if not all, of his email addresses so that he doesn't continue to pop up in my IMs but I've spent the past hour or two weeding through emails. I don't know how or why it happened, but I have almost no emails from him in my Gmail anymore - including all of the ones from the beginning of our relationship. I did find an email to Andy that stated the first time I ever met Mark... Some Monday in January when we had our first appointment for him to fix the SAI computers. I'm upset by this because even though reading emails and cards from him made me miserable, they also gave me a sense of connection.

Writing this post was supposed to help me vent but ... whatever. I just sent a text message to him saying simply, "I need to see you." He won't bother getting out of bed, of course, even though he'll have a very big emotional reaction to the text; not much gets in the way of Mark and his sleep. If I'd texted that I'd just taken a bunch of pills or was crying hysterically while taking another razorblade to myself, he'd just assume someone else would step in and I'd be fine... He'd contact me tomorrow to say, "How are you feeling today?"

Before anyone else can even ask, I feel compelled to say: I KNOW he's an asshole, damnit. I even know he's abusive. I know he's inconsiderate and selfish. I know that he loves himself more than he loves me on an order of magnitude that is mind boggling. I know, I know, I fucking know.

Checking my email every 20 seconds won't make him log on. It's 2:30 in the freaking morning... yet I just checked it again. I want to text him again and tell him that if he doesn't kiss me - soon - I'm going to lose it. I miss him. Is it just sex? Is this just that I'm having to go without the touch of another human being for days and days and I'm not used to it? I miss being kissed. I miss touching warm skin. I miss making love. I miss all of it.

Text sent. I told him that I ached for him. Isn't that subtle? I said I needed to touch him. You know, I was being ... coy.  That's just how I roll.  The funny thing is that he probably doens't even have the phone with him... or on. Or it's probably set to vibrate for a text message and I can't call him because Laura has her phone. I'm reaching out like an idiot becuase I need him and by the time that I semi pull myself together, THAT's when he'll choose to respond. When it's convenient for him and he's not got anyone else to talk to or touch. 

In all fairness, we're both doing that to each other right now. I don't believe that it's because we would rather talk to someone else or touch someone else... I think it's that we're *trying* to pull ourselves from the other and when it fails miserably, we run back. 

Am running back? Am I going to? What about my honest feelings for Mike? I have them.. I do. But...

I don't like touching Mike the way I like touching Mark. I didn't like touching Michael M. the way I like touching Mark. I don't want my mouth on anyone the way I want my mouth on his... Or theirs on me. If it were just lust, would this be the case? I LOVE Mikey and he loves me ... and I finally actually know that. But, when it comes to physical intimacy, my desire is extremely limited. It isn't that I don't like snuggling with Mikey because I do - and he makes me feel safe and loved. I hold him and snuggle him in return... but I don't want to *touch* him the same way. As blunt and graphic as this is, I don't want him in my mouth... inside my body... the same way I want Mark. He would never, ever forgive me if he read this. How could he? Would I be able to make love to a man who had said this about another woman? Maybe, but I wouldn't really be "there" with him. Every second would be me thinking about it and wondering why he was bothering... and I don't know if I could ever accept that he loved me if he felt this way about another woman.
 

So what the hell is the difference?

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Finally decided to try to reconnect with seri; I wasn't sure I wanted anyone to know this journal existed but I miss her. Anyway, followed a link to a yahoo profile of hers but it wouldn't let me connect without signing in and I forgot my password *again*. I wish I didn't have so many... I wish I didn't have to keep changing them. Anyway, how pathetic is this...

I heard the "beep" or whatever you call it saying I had a message and my heart nearly stopped, thinking it was Mark replying. It wasn't, of course - it was a message from Yahoo (in my Gmail) saying that i had successfully changed my password.

Why is it that I can go days or weeks without talking to Mike but not Mark? Do I *honestly* love Mark more after only one year? Do I *honestly* love someone more who has NO problem whatsoever hurting me... over someone who would rather die? Over someone who suffers huge pain at causing me even the slightest wound?

I am clearly fucked up and I don't know what the truth is about this. I don't even LIKE Mark a lot of the time and the reasons are many... So many. Maybe if I list them it will help? I know it won't ...
 

  • He lies - frequently.
  • He's certifiably insane
  • He deceives 
  • He dates other women behind my back
  • He hurts me to get back at me for any slight - real or imagined
  • He is completely self-absorbed
  • He is delusional
  • He lies to his customers
  • He steals - he has stolen from me on more than one occasion
  • He has no moral compass at all - he frequently seems to not even KNOW right from wrong, let alone being able to choose right.
  • He ... lies
The good:
  • When he's loving, he's HUGELY loving.
  • He does everything for me - when he isn't angry
  • He's almost child-like in his need for my love - when he isn't angry
  • He's sensual
  • He's sexy
  • He's neat and clean
  • He's got a beautiful body
  • He touches me the way I need to be touched
  • He appreciates my sense of humor
  • He is intrigued by my mind and shows it
  • He is intelligent
  • He can be funny
  • He's fantastic in bed - when he isn't angry

It's 3:00 AM and I should go to sleep. I'm going back home (to Mom's) tomorrow and maybe things will calm down for me; I knew this week was going to be stressful and it was. I was talking to Mark pretty much every day there, though, so I don't know what makes me think it's going to change but.... 

Something's got to give. It really does.



The decision
mercurial_one1
 A few nights ago, I was talking/fighting with Mark again and I told him that the reason I didn't contact him when I was in Atlanta was because it would have been disrespectful. Putting aside for the moment the fact that it's wrong for me to contact him at all, I thought he would understand - he didn't.
 

Mark has decided that because I am trying to respect Mikey and work on our marriage to see if it is a viable alternative to stay together or not, that I've already made the decision. In his shoes, I don't think I would do differently... but this is a long and complicated story. I think what bothers me most is that he is declaring my decision made and saying he's basing *his* decision on it... when I know that no decision has really been made at all except to TRY. So we were arguing this admittedly fine point but he flat would not stop telling me what I do and do not feel... what I do and do not know...and got everything turned around, as usual, until I got so frustrated that I hung up.

I got an email very early the next morning saying that I'd made my decision and the obnoxious blow off of, "God bless."  I did not respond.  I did not call. I did not email. I did not text. I did not IM, even when I saw him online. Today we were all sitting around Laura's apartment bs'ing and I saw him on Gtalk... I ignored it. It was me, Rachel, Laura, Jordan, Jaylain, Brittany, and a friend of theirs... Tristan. Suddenly, his status message changes to something like "getting a blow job" and it hit me like a punch in the stomach. Part of me knew it was bullshit because who the hell sits at their desk getting a blowjob and changes their status message to reflect it - right in the middle. Give me a break. It was a blatant attempt to get my attention and it worked. 

I told Laura and Rachel what had happened and they said it was stupid, obviously not true, and to ignore it. I tried. I really did. Then it changed to "coming on her face" or something equally obnoxious and I finally changed mine to, "Video streaming giving head to Tristan".  It was childish and I hate it that I didn't have enough self control to just ignore him but I didn't. I wish I could have actually live streamed me GIVING head to someone... the fucker deserved it.

Neither of us messaged the other. I chaned mine to "laughing at his lameness" and eventually we both logged off. Tonight, I texted him several times because I wanted to ask him what the hell that was about... why would he hurt me... etc. I knew he was on a date because: 1) He wasn't online and 2) He didn't log on to respond to my first or second text. Eventually, I texted him that he was making a decision to never have contact with me again if he DIDN'T reply and he miraculously showed up.

He was on another first date with someone from Yahoo or eHarmony... Longhorn's. He did log onto Gtalk and we tried to discuss this but eventually I just borrowed Laura's cellphone to expedite matters - it did.

Blah blah - same conversation about decisions - and then I flat out asked him what he wanted. "I want to marry you. I want to come get you tomorrow and bring you home." Yeah, okay. First of all, you're being evicted and you don't have a damn home. Second, my family would put me away in a mental institution somewhere. Thirdly, Mike would harm him - truly. . . And none of that even touches on the fact that he broke up with ME. He kicked ME out of our apartment, even though I spent days saying I wasn't going to let him do this and he didn't really want it despite the fact that the bastard had already been dating. 

So, clearly, that isn't an option even if I wanted to move in with him again right now, which I don't. I don't know what I'm going to do but that is damn sure not going to happen even if I can't say that I'm over him.  We bitched and sparred a bit and then I asked him for a final decision about what he's going to do based on the current situation and he decided, he said...

He says he will not accept any phone calls from me. He does not want us to have any further contact of any kind.

He said, "Goodbye" and I refused to say that and nobody hung up. He said, "I'll miss you" and I said, "I'll miss you, too."  He said, "Goodbye" and hung up.

I came into the livingroom and stared at Gtalk, where he had left himself online. I realized that was never going to work... I can't stand it and it gives him a way to upset me, as I found out this afternoon. I had literal tears running down my cheeks with that bullshit this afternoon. It wasn't that I believed he was getting a blowjob, as I told Laura and Rachel... it was that it hurt me that he would try to hurt me.

Anyway, I can't stare at his name every time I'm on the computer and know every second he's online and when he's not. I am not emotionally ready for that, if I'll ever be, so I am in the process of removing him from my life... email addresses, IMs, etc. I hope to be able to get rid of anything and everything (Except for Dutch) that reminds me of him but that isn't going to happen overnight. I'm already sick at the thought of never talking to him and I know I need to take this slow.

Part of me doesn't even believe it's going to happen. Part of me - a fairly sizable one - doesn't believe we'll even make it a week because we certainly never have before. I don't think we've been so much as 5 days without speaking since our first "date". I'm not entirely sure we've been 3.  

 

This will be... interesting.
 


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