Bipolar Christianity - Oxymoron?

A bipolar Christian tries to find her way.

Previous Entry Share Next Entry
The decision
 A few nights ago, I was talking/fighting with Mark again and I told him that the reason I didn't contact him when I was in Atlanta was because it would have been disrespectful. Putting aside for the moment the fact that it's wrong for me to contact him at all, I thought he would understand - he didn't.

Mark has decided that because I am trying to respect Mikey and work on our marriage to see if it is a viable alternative to stay together or not, that I've already made the decision. In his shoes, I don't think I would do differently... but this is a long and complicated story. I think what bothers me most is that he is declaring my decision made and saying he's basing *his* decision on it... when I know that no decision has really been made at all except to TRY. So we were arguing this admittedly fine point but he flat would not stop telling me what I do and do not feel... what I do and do not know...and got everything turned around, as usual, until I got so frustrated that I hung up.

I got an email very early the next morning saying that I'd made my decision and the obnoxious blow off of, "God bless."  I did not respond.  I did not call. I did not email. I did not text. I did not IM, even when I saw him online. Today we were all sitting around Laura's apartment bs'ing and I saw him on Gtalk... I ignored it. It was me, Rachel, Laura, Jordan, Jaylain, Brittany, and a friend of theirs... Tristan. Suddenly, his status message changes to something like "getting a blow job" and it hit me like a punch in the stomach. Part of me knew it was bullshit because who the hell sits at their desk getting a blowjob and changes their status message to reflect it - right in the middle. Give me a break. It was a blatant attempt to get my attention and it worked. 

I told Laura and Rachel what had happened and they said it was stupid, obviously not true, and to ignore it. I tried. I really did. Then it changed to "coming on her face" or something equally obnoxious and I finally changed mine to, "Video streaming giving head to Tristan".  It was childish and I hate it that I didn't have enough self control to just ignore him but I didn't. I wish I could have actually live streamed me GIVING head to someone... the fucker deserved it.

Neither of us messaged the other. I chaned mine to "laughing at his lameness" and eventually we both logged off. Tonight, I texted him several times because I wanted to ask him what the hell that was about... why would he hurt me... etc. I knew he was on a date because: 1) He wasn't online and 2) He didn't log on to respond to my first or second text. Eventually, I texted him that he was making a decision to never have contact with me again if he DIDN'T reply and he miraculously showed up.

He was on another first date with someone from Yahoo or eHarmony... Longhorn's. He did log onto Gtalk and we tried to discuss this but eventually I just borrowed Laura's cellphone to expedite matters - it did.

Blah blah - same conversation about decisions - and then I flat out asked him what he wanted. "I want to marry you. I want to come get you tomorrow and bring you home." Yeah, okay. First of all, you're being evicted and you don't have a damn home. Second, my family would put me away in a mental institution somewhere. Thirdly, Mike would harm him - truly. . . And none of that even touches on the fact that he broke up with ME. He kicked ME out of our apartment, even though I spent days saying I wasn't going to let him do this and he didn't really want it despite the fact that the bastard had already been dating. 

So, clearly, that isn't an option even if I wanted to move in with him again right now, which I don't. I don't know what I'm going to do but that is damn sure not going to happen even if I can't say that I'm over him.  We bitched and sparred a bit and then I asked him for a final decision about what he's going to do based on the current situation and he decided, he said...

He says he will not accept any phone calls from me. He does not want us to have any further contact of any kind.

He said, "Goodbye" and I refused to say that and nobody hung up. He said, "I'll miss you" and I said, "I'll miss you, too."  He said, "Goodbye" and hung up.

I came into the livingroom and stared at Gtalk, where he had left himself online. I realized that was never going to work... I can't stand it and it gives him a way to upset me, as I found out this afternoon. I had literal tears running down my cheeks with that bullshit this afternoon. It wasn't that I believed he was getting a blowjob, as I told Laura and Rachel... it was that it hurt me that he would try to hurt me.

Anyway, I can't stare at his name every time I'm on the computer and know every second he's online and when he's not. I am not emotionally ready for that, if I'll ever be, so I am in the process of removing him from my life... email addresses, IMs, etc. I hope to be able to get rid of anything and everything (Except for Dutch) that reminds me of him but that isn't going to happen overnight. I'm already sick at the thought of never talking to him and I know I need to take this slow.

Part of me doesn't even believe it's going to happen. Part of me - a fairly sizable one - doesn't believe we'll even make it a week because we certainly never have before. I don't think we've been so much as 5 days without speaking since our first "date". I'm not entirely sure we've been 3.  


This will be... interesting.


Log in

No account? Create an account